TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
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I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?