Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
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brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…