Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
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I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
S M O L
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.