Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
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alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess