Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
You Might Also Like
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Sharon, call the vet
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?