Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
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From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.