OKAY DAD
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Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Leaving the Barbers like
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?