I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
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10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel