16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
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Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
live long and prosper!
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.