Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
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If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
When I laugh on my period
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go