I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
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“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Why soy sad?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul