My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
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Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.