Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
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I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
termite twitter scares me
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks