Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
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The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.