[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
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A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”