I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Breaking news:
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u