It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
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Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
When someone trying to leave me
Who’s your best friend?
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?