God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
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*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?