Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
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Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Heroic Misunderstanding