THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
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[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.