Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
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POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Sharon, call the vet
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.