At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
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Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
The news is so predictable nowadays
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.