If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
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I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
When you try jalapeños for the first time
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.