Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
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Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.