Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
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Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
LOL
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy