There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
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Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi