“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
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When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
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Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.