Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
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Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.