the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
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“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Fluff me with a fork baby
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Me redecorating every room in my mind
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.