Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
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this is me
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”