I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
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Hitlers gonna hitl
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I’m just playing devils avocado here
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end