I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
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People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man