I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
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Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
my fav colour is also hitler
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song