Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
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major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
*puts cutlery down*
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?