Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
You Might Also Like
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
The only equipped I am is ill.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I need to update my racial profile.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician