Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Birds & Planes.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.