*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
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Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.