If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Why soy sad?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway