Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
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my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years