‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
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If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Velcrow
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Accurate
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.