“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
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ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k