I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
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I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.