37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
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If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Autocarrot sucks!
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..