Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
You Might Also Like
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
For those that worship cheese..
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.