“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
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Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water