DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
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Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Morning my dudes.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself