The Wolf of Wall Street.
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My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!