Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
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I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Ah yes. The three genders