this FaceApp is creepy af
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I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
This will teach them to underestimate me
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority