You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
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“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.